The Things I Learned When He’s Away

This is 2017; this is our year. The year of no longer you and me, but us. I am completely thrilled and seriously cannot wait for that special day to arrive; however, there are several hurdles that we need to get through before reaching it, and one of them is separation. Mr. Orange has been working hard to ensure that his income can cover all our (future) expenses, and in exchange of that, we need to undergo at least 3 (three) moments of separation when he stations overseas. The first two moments consist of 2-3 weeks of separation, and the last one will last only a week or so. Yes, I know some of you would laugh at me and say,”Well, it’s not that long, some couples can survive 3-month-separation, 3-week-separation is supposed to be easy peasy”. While I am completely agree that it’s not that long, as a girl with a lot of traumas and past painful experiences, I must admit that the going gets tough, even if it only lasts for a maximum of 3 weeks.

So I have successfully gone through the first moment of separation (it’s 16 days to be exact), and I am so thankful for Jesus Christ for accompanying me through this difficult times. I remembered crying myself to sleep few days before he departed, sleeping for 2-3 hours everyday nearing to the date, being deeply anxious. I remembered the panic attack the day he went away and the day after; the suffocation, the dizziness, the constant tears and fears. I remembered the killing series of “what-ifs”; “What if he never comes back”, “What if he finds someone better”, “What if he realizes that I am not good enough”. You see, moving on from the trauma is not as easy as it sounds. I was perpetually disturbed by surge of emotions, feeling so miserable and helpless. Fortunately, I found the Ultimate Joy, that guided me out of the darkness of trauma. I found myself praying more, reading the Bible more, worshipping and praising God more than I used to, and my faith started to grow in the most uncomfortable situation. In turn, my relationship with Mr. Orange improved too; I have imagined the worst scenario of me throwing tantrums at him for going away, and hurting him, but I am glad to say that the scenario never happened, and throughout this 16-day-of-singleness being apart from each other, we continued to strengthen each other, support each other, and love each other more and more each day.

Missing each other is a state of mind; and completely unrelated to the distance

Have you ever heard of “I miss you the second you leave”? As cheesy as it sounds, Mr. Orange and I feel that everytime we say “See you” after every date. Yes, we miss each other the second we are apart. I used to think that when we were thousand miles apart, the intensity of missing him will be stronger, but to my suprise, it does not change. I miss him when we are Kelapa Gading – Kebon Jeruk apart as much as I miss him when we are Jakarta – San Pablo (Phillipines) apart. Just that whenever my soul cannot feel his presence, I start to miss him. Please don’t get the wrong idea; I am not saying that physical intimacy is the most important aspect of a relationship, but when the two souls start to become one, it knows when the other is not present, and it yearns to be reunited. On the same note, the joy I get when I hug him after 16 days of not being able to do so, is the same with the one I feel everytime I hug him during our midweek or weekend date. Therefore, it is not the distance or time spent being apart from each other that are responsible for the feeling of missing him, but it’s the depth of soul-interdependency that makes even a second of separation is unbearable.

However, the separation does not make you less of a complete person. 

When I talked about soul-interdependency; about two souls, so deeply connected to each other that a second of separation hurts badly, it is completely different with being an insecure person when your soulmate is not around till you find a need to replace him or her by certain things. You know, sometimes a person resolves to seek distraction in order to get rid of the loneliness. Distraction is defined as something or someone that you think can temporarily replace the position of your soulmate, be it a kind of activity, friends, or even a one-night-stand. Distraction might not be a negative thing; hanging out with friends is not wrong right? However, it is the intention that one must be aware of. We can be so arrogant that we hide our vulnerable side, we like to pretend that we are allright by indulging in many so-called-events and activities so that we can brag “See, I don’t need him that much, I am fine by my own, thank you”. That attitude is not going to help you in any ways, you’ll find yourself be even more depressed when the distraction is over, and just like drugs, you will be craving for another one, in a higher dose. When your soulmate is back, you don’t feel the excitement. You don’t feel the happiness, just because you have replaced him with another thing or another person, so he is no longer your number one. However, you can opt to embark on a self-actualization journey when he or she is not around. Just find something about yourself that you haven’t known yet, respect yourself more, and be a better person. On top of that, just surrender to your vulnerability. Just accept the fact that you miss him, and it is inevitable. It is fine, often love means being vulnerable about each other, to actually trust someone enough to give him or her the power to make you feel weak and helpless. Don’t dwell on it though, enjoy every moment of missing that special person and imagine the happiness when you finally get to see him or her again :).

Lastly, if you are a person like me with a lot of traumas, do not give up.

Separation is difficult even for a normal person; let alone a person who has been hurted before. Flashbacks of memories from the past kept coming back to me and haunted me during the first few days of our separation. It was extremely difficult, and I really felt I would never make it. What I did last time apart from surrendering myself to God, was taking control of myself. Yes, you and you alone has the power to control yourself, and it is up to you whether you want to surrender to the trauma, or fight back. I am going to tell you that the fight is a real thing. It’s going to be a long, arduous journey, but it’s worthwhile. If you do not break the trauma once and for all, it will beat you and mess with your present and future. For me, I know just how important my future and Mr. Orange is, so I am not going to let the trauma intervene with our beautiful future together. He worths all the fights and sufferings, so I am going to make sure I clean up all the past traumas, and live a happily-ever-after life with him. I hope you do too!

2 thoughts on “The Things I Learned When He’s Away

  1. iyah jangan parnoan ah, lain dulu lain sekarang. Jangan di sama ratakan. Jangan mikir kepanjangan what if… cape sendiri. Cape dan pusink sendiri what if yang belum tentu terjadi. dan cemas untuk hal yang ga pentink itu buang buang waktu. selama di tinggal, kan masi bisa skype an, ato facetime.. kalo ga bisa pun isi waktu luang untuk hal hal yang berguna aza. lanjutin hobi yang kamu demen. ato buat kegiatan baru. mungkin olahraga? bersepeda? thai boxing? biar tar ketemu Mr orange pas balik makin happy dia ketemu kamu makin body na yahud. makin di sayang deh. isilah dengan kegiatan positif. don’t worry 😀

    1. Eh ada cici Orin

      Maaf baru buka blog lagi ya. Bener Ci, sudah capek what iffing, jd sekarang lebih positive-minded, dan harus mulai beresin perintilan wedding. Selain itu, isi waktu dengan kegiatan yg lebih positive ya Ci.

      How are you? How’s life after wedding Ci? Hehehe.

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